MiscellaneaMalkovich!


I saw someone famous today. Well, sort of famous. More famous to your ears than eyes, really.
Who? No, not John up there. But he fits in here. Anyway, Ros' the Boss came into the break room and told me, "Harry Shear was upstairs shopping. You know, the guy from Spinal Tap and does Principle Skinner on the 'The Simpson?". Good fucking eye, huh? So I mosey upstairs, he's pointed out to me. I sweep in for a recon sweep. Yeah, there he was. He smiled, I smiled back, without saying a word. I figure why bother the guy? He had this trapped-with-a-brave-face look about him. Celebrities (yes, even Principle Skinner and Smithers) occupy too high a place in the minds of Westerners, as it is. Besides, I was enjoying my job for a change. No need in fucking that up.

On the other hand, there was the time I blew right past John Malkovich. Back before I was delivered out of the People's Republic of Cambridge, I strolled in to work. I jotted past what I presumed to be just another bald prick, but was in fact Jiggy-John up there. He had his back turned to me, as he was mailing some crap. I went to debrief before redeploying in the Neutron Avenger. As I walked by co-workers. I over heard them blithering. A blitherer myself, I stopped to listen,

CoWorker One: I thought his name sounded familiar!
CoWorker Two: Yeah, you're like, "Have I seen you in a movie?"
Me: Who ya' talkin' about?
CoWorker Two: Oh John Malkovich just got done mailing something.
Me: A minute ago? That guy standing up here? Mail anything worth opening?
CoWorker Two: Probably not. But yeah, when you came in a second ago.
Me:Huh, how about that?
CoWorker Two: Yeah, he comes in all the time, has an apartment near by.
Me:Well that's a shame.
CoWorker Two: How come?
Me: Because I would have liked to have gone up to him and been like, "Mr. Malkovich, I'd just like to shake your hand. No, not on account of your movies. Those are hit-and-miss. But because you got to nail Umma back in her prime. As a matter of fact, why don't we run around the corner to the oasis and I'll buy you a beer while you tell me all about it. Better yet, how about you buy me a beer and tell me about it... Hey stop right there, pal! Don't give me that shit about, 'who's doin' who a favor, here?'! I actually paid to see Being John Malkovich in the theatre. You owe me..."
CoWorker One: That's so rude, why would you say that to someone?
Me: People are rude to me all the time. Why not?
CoWorker One: Because you don't like it when people do it to you, do you?
Me: The difference is, I'm actually funny.

Hell, once I even ran into Noam Chomsky at the coop. That's right, Chom and me in the same room. I saw the college commies' poster child hovering around the linguistics section (naturally), before oozing over to the poli sci and other sections. Eventually, he made his way to my book cart I was working on. He did this while I was away putting up books, collecting empty crack bags left by urban outdoorsmen, or so some shit. Unsure as to how to handle it. I asked politely,

"Is there something I can help you find, sir?"
"No, No! I'm fine, thank you!" he barked, over my gall to disturb him.
at which point I'm thinking, "Then get the hell out of my way, Noam!"

Now, on the flip side of that coin. Not long before defecting from the People's Republic, Ben Shapiro wondered up into my parlor. It was ironically not so long after Vox Day had excoriated Ben over at his. Even before I fully recognized him, I was pretty struck at how gormless he looked. Once it dawned on me who he was, I darted over and vetted his identity from the picture on the dust jacket of his book, Gerneration Porn (because porn burns a lot hotter than white phosphorous, you know). He actually came up and queried about a book. I was surprised, because I knew off hand it was in the new age/self help section. It was some kind of Neale Donald Walsch meets Anthony Robinson type deal, as best I recall. I couldn't help but laughing that a guy who seems to self-identify with the "anti-losertarian, reality based community" would be caught dead reading that kind of stuff. In all fairness, he was perfectly polite.